Soggy Trick instead of Treat?

Yep Thank you Hurricane Sandy for giving us this soggy trick of a Halloween.
Blech.
It was supposed to be Claire's first Halloween.  Sure she won't remember that she didn't go trick or treating...but I will :(
It was so cold and wet! OMG YUCK!
Only went halfway around the normal route and I was so soaked and poor Alexa was shivering that I called it.
We were done before 7:00pm...it wasn't even totally dark out yet!  Dang.

Thats okay though.  Hopefully we'll have a better Halloween next year.

Raw

Everything still feels very raw.

I handed over the 'keys to the castle' today.  Turned over the passwords to the accounts I had.  Gone.  Its done.

My website, the one I created, the one I worked hard on, the one I put so much of my time into.  MY page...its gone.

I'm still pretty bitter about it all.  I lost everything because of just a few...one person who was upset, one person who couldn't keep her opinions to herself and one person who obviously had a huge hatred for me.

I've been tempted to go back and visit, just read and see what was going on...but then someone told me what was going on...how I was being talked about behind my back, where they all knew I wouldn't see.  Plainly speaking words that if I were to see they knew would hurt me.  And yet they did it still because they were safe in the knowledge that I was not there to read the words.  I was also told that she who sought to destroy everything I held dear was now crawling back to reclaim her place, so long as I was not a part of the group anymore.  She who started the mess wanted back in, as long as I wasn't around.  And welcome her with open arms they did.  I'm shocked.

How can you be friends with someone for four years and just turn on them like that?  Just drop your friendship like it never even took a breath?

I shouldn't be having such a hard time with this.  How many times in my life have I been shoved aside by friends because something new and better comes along?  Too many to count.  It is only a matter of time before everyone that I care about screws me over and walks away.

I shouldn't be surprised at all....

My heart aches now...and with the winds and storms plaguing the land right now, well the outside matches my inside...

Stupid realization

I just realized that not only do I not have any followers on Google+ besides my husband, but the likelihood that someone besides me will read this is very very slim.

I also just realized that now that I have left the one place where I could get everything out in writing I have no where to go.
I have no place to vent out loud (so to speak) and get things off my chest.

Guess where I'll be going from now on?

Yup, talking to myself on my little blog here.  Chattering away to no one but me.

I always knew I'd end up crazy, alone and talking to myself...

Rain makes my life crazier

So I have been sick off and on since the end of July/beginning of August.
My throat is sore, my nose and sinuses are stuffy and my chest rattly.
Occasionally I'll cough up some ugly looking stuff, or blow my nose and have my ears practically blow out, and then the next few days it eases up.
I take allergy meds every day and pop sudafed and ibuprophin like candy trying to combat it all.
And yet it lingers.

No, I haven't gone to the doctor.  I've had the money to go a few times but there was always something else needed.  A pack of diapers or two, gas for the car, milk, laundry detergent, cat food....its always something.

So my health remains in the balance still.

Last night Kaylin and Ella got to cheer with the Varsity Cheerleaders for the first quarter of the football game.  They'd been doing a cheerleading clinic at school for the past two weeks.

And last night, it rained.  And rained.  And rained.

So all of last night and again this morning I've been coughing and coughing and coughing...

I really think I may end up with pneumonia. Ugh.

And today I desperately need to work on more bows, I have orders for several breast cancer awareness bows and I have to finish my displays all for tomorrow's flea market I am selling at.

Will this ratrace ever end??

Change, Loss and Humiliation

I know everything changes with time.  Each day we get a little bit older, some of us a little wiser.  But when a big change happens it is difficult to adjust.

Yesterday a big change happened that brought the world crashing down at my feet.  A huge part of my life is now a big red raw gaping hole.

For the past four years or so I have been a part of an online community of fellow Moms.  We gather on a website to chat and vent and laugh together.  We started out at one site and when that one disappeared because of one business taking over another we started another site to keep our friendships alive.  But were they really?
There were a lot of tense moments over the course of the past year.  Lots of changes for everyone and lots of stress as the economy has taken its toll on each one of us in a different way.
That stress came to a head this week when one of our Mom members felt attacked and was upset about the way another was behaving towards her.  And I being the person who created the website was chosen as "moderator" to step in and say "hey, knock it off".
Instead of confronting the person outright I merely posted a thread telling everyone to be a little nicer.  Try walking in someone else's shoes for once and see it from their side before you rip them to shreds.

The thanks I get for reminding everyone that we're all human and have feelings?  I get ripped to shreds by two members, out in front of everyone.  Torn down to nothing, told I was nothing.  Battered around like a child, defenseless.  One of the two members I thought was a good friend.  She was always someone I went to for advice about my children because we had something in common.  We both have four girl children.

I was (am) so hurt by her harsh words, it took me completely by surprise that she would react in that way towards me!  I never saw it coming.

And once she started it, well the floodgates were opened.  I was a walking target.

So after four years of what I thought was friendship, I decided to step away from that part of my life.  It wasn't an easy decision and I cried, a lot.  I cried and cried.  For the loss of my community, the loss of friendships and for the way I was treated.  It really hurt.  The accusations, the way personal and private conversations were drawn out for all to see.  The judgement.

That is the worst, the judgement.

Anyone who knows me knows that is what I fear the most, judgement from others.  I hate being judged...and so did this "friend" she knew how to hurt me, she struck hard and fast.

I tried reaching out to her to find out why, why she felt the need to air out my dirty laundry like that, to attack me in such a public manner.

I got nothing in return from her.  And it still hurts.

I woke up this morning, got my kids ready for school and went to the computer to check email, facebook and then.....nothing...normally I check that website for updates, say good morning to everyone.  Now?  Where do I go?

I left the site...I can't/won't go back.  I love the friends I have made, the ones who stood up for me and stayed true.  They left the group as well and I do have them in emails.  But it isn't the same.

I feel like someone cut out my heart and left it beating on a table in front of me.

Feeling that tired feeling again.  Although I think its more weather related.
When it gets kinda cold and cloudy and rainy then I get kinda sleepy and grumpy.

I tell you today was a real grumpy day for me.  My two oldest kids were just pushing every single limit I had all day today.
Is it impossible for these kids to do what they are told???  I cannot remember being as stubborn as them when I was their age.  I remember myself being much more well behaved and calm.  They must take after their father.

A. spent most of the day with Granny today.  She had so much fun with her, while Granny mowed the lawn A went around the yard and picked flowers for "seeds" that she could grow here at home, along with carrots and raspberries.  She then decided that today she was mad at me.  Why?  Because I threatened to throw away her Precious Binkies!  Oh man hot button issue with her!  She is OBSESSED with those things!  So much so that she steals them from C and hides them!  Then of course C cries because she doesn't have her Binkie.

I need to get rid of these damned things!

Tonight will be an early bedtime for all, DH and I want some ALONE time.  Might watch a movie but frankly I'm hoping both of us can finally stay awake for more than that!

Being a Mom of four girls and a wife is exhausting...there just doesn't seem to be enough time for sex...

Tired, that is what I am.
I'm always feeling tired.  Tired of dishes, tired of laundry, tired of the endless stream of whining and fighting coming from my children..
But you know what makes me the most tired?  Knowing that at age 30 I am a mother of four girls under age 10.  Why does this make me tired?  Because in a few short years I'll have a teenage daughter...and then another, and another and another!
I was a teen daughter once, I know how bad they can be.  And I'm going to go through it x4!

Yep, I'm one tired momma...
But I will endure, because that is what we are built to do, us Mommaz, we're built to endure.

I didn't start this blog to whine about my kids or complain that I have no time and get no sleep...okay maybe I did just a little bit.
But in all seriousness, I wanted a place to go to type out what is in my head when I can't sleep.  A place to put it all down on paper (virtual) and just look at it all from another perspective.

I know some will shake their heads and think "Oh boy another Mother bitching about her crazy life." Yes, thats it exactly.
I am not here to impress anyone...sorry for the reality check.
I just want to say a few things once in a while and maybe someone will hear me and come out and say "I hear you!  I feel you!  I care!"  or "Damn you must be tired!"  :)

Anyways...it's almost 2am and I have to be up at 7am to get two of the four ready for school, and feed and dress the other two.

Lets see how much coffee it will take to get this Tired Momma moving tomorrow (today?)