Change, Loss and Humiliation

I know everything changes with time.  Each day we get a little bit older, some of us a little wiser.  But when a big change happens it is difficult to adjust.

Yesterday a big change happened that brought the world crashing down at my feet.  A huge part of my life is now a big red raw gaping hole.

For the past four years or so I have been a part of an online community of fellow Moms.  We gather on a website to chat and vent and laugh together.  We started out at one site and when that one disappeared because of one business taking over another we started another site to keep our friendships alive.  But were they really?
There were a lot of tense moments over the course of the past year.  Lots of changes for everyone and lots of stress as the economy has taken its toll on each one of us in a different way.
That stress came to a head this week when one of our Mom members felt attacked and was upset about the way another was behaving towards her.  And I being the person who created the website was chosen as "moderator" to step in and say "hey, knock it off".
Instead of confronting the person outright I merely posted a thread telling everyone to be a little nicer.  Try walking in someone else's shoes for once and see it from their side before you rip them to shreds.

The thanks I get for reminding everyone that we're all human and have feelings?  I get ripped to shreds by two members, out in front of everyone.  Torn down to nothing, told I was nothing.  Battered around like a child, defenseless.  One of the two members I thought was a good friend.  She was always someone I went to for advice about my children because we had something in common.  We both have four girl children.

I was (am) so hurt by her harsh words, it took me completely by surprise that she would react in that way towards me!  I never saw it coming.

And once she started it, well the floodgates were opened.  I was a walking target.

So after four years of what I thought was friendship, I decided to step away from that part of my life.  It wasn't an easy decision and I cried, a lot.  I cried and cried.  For the loss of my community, the loss of friendships and for the way I was treated.  It really hurt.  The accusations, the way personal and private conversations were drawn out for all to see.  The judgement.

That is the worst, the judgement.

Anyone who knows me knows that is what I fear the most, judgement from others.  I hate being judged...and so did this "friend" she knew how to hurt me, she struck hard and fast.

I tried reaching out to her to find out why, why she felt the need to air out my dirty laundry like that, to attack me in such a public manner.

I got nothing in return from her.  And it still hurts.

I woke up this morning, got my kids ready for school and went to the computer to check email, facebook and then.....nothing...normally I check that website for updates, say good morning to everyone.  Now?  Where do I go?

I left the site...I can't/won't go back.  I love the friends I have made, the ones who stood up for me and stayed true.  They left the group as well and I do have them in emails.  But it isn't the same.

I feel like someone cut out my heart and left it beating on a table in front of me.